Pilot Philosophy

Speed is life.     - Altitude is life insurance.

It only takes two things to fly:      1. Airspeed      2. Money

The three most dangerous things in aviation:      1. A doctor or dentist in a Beech Bonanza.      2. Two captains in a DC-9.

Aircraft Identification:      If it's ugly, it's British.      If it's weird, it's French.      If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another very expensive flying club.

The similarity between Air Traffic Controllers and pilots?      If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.      If an ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines:      The engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

I give that landing a 9.................on the Richter scale.

Basic Flying Rules:      1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.      2. Do not go near the edges of it.      3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,           buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.      4. It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.

Naval Landing Signal Officer (LSO) to Pilot after his 6th unsuccessful carrier landing attempt:      "Son, you've got to land here ....... this is where the food is."

The three best things in life are:      1. A good landing      2. A good orgasm      3. A good bowel movement.      A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.

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Flight Attendants

Occasionally, airline attendants attempt to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some examples:

Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.

The weather at our destinations is 50 degrees with some broken clouds. We'll try to get the clouds fixed before we arrive.

As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. - Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. - Please do not leave children or spouses.

After a very hard landing the flight attendant came on the intercom and said,     "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking     BUT I'm here to tell you...     it wasn't the airline's fault     and it wasn't the pilot's fault     and it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.     It was the asphalt!

After a less than perfect landing, the flight attendant announced "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement, "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us.

And from the pilot during his welcome message, "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."